It's French For The Vagrant And Crazies

French, I don't know it but I have the mannerisms down to a fine detail, I know how to do the thing with the shoulders and the thing when they lean in closer to hear what your saying, as though they are trying to make sense of English, yet have to admit they don't speak it. I adore the French because of this and I have also learned that this tactic works well in New York. I use it for rude homeless people and subway weirdo’s. Hey give me a dollar, shoulders shrug, lean in closer, pull back then you say “France" with the proper tone. They usually start to make circular motions in their as a way to symbolize currency, or they pull money out and show it to you, in which case you should take the money in confusion. With the intention of giving back of course. The entire process takes all but eight seconds, and helpful if you live in an area with repeat offenders. (Repeat offenders: a person who is rude and ask for money everyday on your way to a location you frequent; like, work or home or a store).

However, there was one situation that stands out in my mind. To further explain, everyone assumes I'm gay, I don't care it doesn't bother me, after your mother calls you gay for four years you get use to it and you learn how to deal with weirdo’s on the train who try hitting on you. Overall, I'm on the train and I'm rocking out to some tunes and I notice there’s a guy sitting next to me, I am usually not alarmed when a guy is sitting next to me on a train, its public transportation, what can you expect? On the other-hand, when the train is empty and a guy sits next to me I do get alarmed, its not being homophobic, its an observation: what would encourage a person to sit next to a complete stranger on a train when there are roughly eighty-five other available seats?

Well he is also staring directly at me. I look at him and he starts talking, I still have my headphones on. The music is fuckin loud, he has to hear it. How do I know he hears it? Because, on a daily basis at least four times a day someone says "I'm surprised you’re not deaf. I take my ear phones off and I pull the "I'm French I don't understand", to this guy that meant he should speak louder and slower and maybe I would eventually decipher the English language as though I was some fuckin mythical creature born from the world and so happen to find my way on to a train in this case if I were a mythical creature that spoke all languages I don't think this man would be telling me anything I didn't know. So what was this man so desperately trying to tell me while he is under the assumption that I'm French? What’s so fuckin important, that this complete stranger had to bring me out of my own world? What pick up line could this man possibly have that would otherwise have me say “You know what I think I'm gay?

Drum roll please (dots represent drums).......................................... and the pick up line or means to start a conversation is: "You dropped your gum, this is your gum, it's sitting next to you do you want the gum?"

This is why I was interrupted, for a pack of gum sitting next to me, and this is when the French shrug technique is thrown out the window, and you throw on your T-bone from the block voice and say "MAN GET THAT GUM OUTTA MY FACE YOU CRAZY".

By guest blogger, Don Lowe